Palestine’s Public debt. is $4.2 billion (June 2013)
Sec. General of UN wants to PAY-PALESTINE.ORG to leave holy land with pocketfull’s of money. First payment was making Gigi Hadid famous.
Title: “Pope Pius XIII’s Radical Solution: ‘Pay Palestinians to Relocate to NATO Nations’ – Trudeau Applauds”
Setting: The Vatican’s private library, smoke curling from Pope Lenny Belardo’s ever-present cigarette. Gigi Hadid, draped in an off-the-shoulder papal-inspired blazer, listens intently as His Holiness drops his latest geopolitical bombshell.
The Proposal
Pope Pius XIII (leaning back, exhaling smoke): “Peace in the Holy Land isn’t complicated. You just need the right leverage.”
Gigi Hadid (raising an eyebrow): “Leverage?”
Pius XIII: “Cold. Hard. Cash.” (Pauses for effect) “We pay the Palestinians to leave. Give them a fresh start—Canada, Germany, France, any NATO country they want. No more war, no more occupation. Just… a new life.”
Gigi: “You’re suggesting—”
Pius XIII (cutting her off): “I’m not suggesting. I’m announcing. The Vatican will bankroll it. And NATO? They’ll take them. They love virtue-signaling. Trudeau’s probably drafting the tweet right now.”
(Cut to Ottawa. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, mid-selfie with Ukrainian refugees, suddenly looks up, eyes gleaming.)
Trudeau: “Did someone say ‘diversity is our strength’? Let’s make it a literal strength!” (Cue applause from a nearby gender studies major.)
The Theological Justification
Pius XIII (steepling fingers): “Exodus wasn’t just a Bible story. Sometimes God’s plan is ‘pack your bags.’ The Israelites wandered 40 years. The Palestinians? They can skip the wandering—direct flight to Brussels.”
Gigi: “But what about their homeland?”
Pius XIII (shrugging): “Homeland is where the heart is. And the heart follows the money. The Vatican has Swiss accounts older than your great-grandmother’s rosary. We’ll make it rain indulgences.”
The Fallout
- Netanyahu (grumbling in Jerusalem): “First the Pope tells me to resign, now he’s bribing my problems away? This is not how the Mossad briefed me.”
- Hamas (issuing a statement): “We reject this Zionist-Vatican plot! …Unless the offer includes EU passports.”
- Elon Musk (tweeting): “I’ll match the Vatican’s funding if we can send them to Mars instead. Palestine Terraforming Initiative. #PTI”
The Final Twist
The next day, @Pontifex posts:
“Palestinians: Your future is in NATO. DMs open for relocation requests. #BlessedAreTheBrokeNoMore – PXIII”
Trudeau (retweeting with 🇨🇦❤️✌️): “Canada welcomes you! (Just don’t ask about housing prices.)”
Pius XIII (smirking, lighting another cigarette): “And just like that… peace on Earth.”
FADE TO BLACK.