G.I. Joe Endorses Barack Obama for a Third Term

(Transcript from a surprise press conference held at an undisclosed base)

G.I. Joe (a.k.a. Joe Jukic) steps to the podium in full combat gear—American flag patch on one arm, Canadian maple leaf stitched on the other. The cameras flash. Behind him stands a banner that reads: “Justice. Integrity. No Compromise.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of the free world… I never thought I’d be up here talking politics. I’ve spent my life on the battlefield—not in the ballot box. But desperate times call for crystal-clear truth. And the truth is this:

I endorse Barack Obama for a third term.

Yeah, I said it. Not Trump. Not chaos. Not reruns of the same old reality show wrapped in a flag and dipped in gold.

I fought beside Barack. We made the call. We brought down Osama Bin Laden—not for revenge, but for justice. And when that mission was green-lit, there was no hesitation. No ego. No tweets. Just courage, command, and the weight of a world on his shoulders.

That’s leadership. I saw it with my own eyes.

I’ve fought Cobra, I’ve fought terrorists, I’ve fought disinformation campaigns that rot democracy from the inside. But I never expected to see America’s own house become the biggest battlefield.

I don’t want a king. I want a commander-in-chief—someone who listens, who learns, who leads.

If the rules were different, if the Constitution allowed it, I’d ride into battle one more time under Commander Obama. Because we had each other’s backs when it mattered most.

So no, I won’t be endorsing Trump. I’ve read the intel. I’ve seen the reports. I’ve heard the lies.

The future isn’t red or blue. It’s clear. It’s brave. And if we want to survive what’s coming, we need experience, not theatrics.

Joe out.”

The cameras pan down as G.I. Joe salutes, then walks off stage into the shadows—always ready for the next mission.